The Reason of Your Mother Won’t Listen

I would really like help with trying to communicate with my mom. I am 15 and I know it’s mostly supposed to be easy, but my mom is such a stubborn woman that nothing will work. I’ve messed up a lot freshman year and my parents (mostly my mom) holds a grudge and thinks I will never change, but she is not with me 24/7. We honestly cannot compromise on anything and she is very negative. I can’t have one conversation with her without one of us being mad in the end. At this point I really just want us not to be mad at each other anymore. I get really depressed and I feel like I have no love. I only trust 3 people (my best friend, my boyfriend, and my aunt). I try to talk but she never listens. I just don’t know what to do. My reasons sound stupid and the whole situation is stupid because I shouldn’t have to be trying to reconnect with my mom at this age and have her pushing me away…Normally its the other way around. I just need help. Please please help me.

A Sad Teenager

Dear Teenager,

I feel for you. You are absolutely right. It is usually the other way around. I hear from so many parents who feel that their teenage children shut them out. It is possible, however, that your mother feels like you shut her out as well and that you are both frustrated with the difficulty communicating with each other. I also want to let you know that there is nothing stupid or shameful about you wanting to have a better relationship with your mother. In fact, it is quite admirable. Of course, you want your mother’s love and acceptance.

I believe that what needs to happen first is that you and your mother need to learn to communicate with each other without becoming intensely emotional. Try very hard to stay calm when communicating with your mom even if she becomes emotional. I know that this is easier said than done, but with practice it should become easier. My hope is that your mother will respond to your calm style by following suit and becoming calmer. When the emotional level settles down you should be able to have easier conversations. Nothing good happens when 2 highly emotional individuals try to communicate. Instead, what happens is that mean things get said in the heat of the moment. Once these things are said it is nearly impossible to continue the conversation as you already know.

Yes, you may not have had a good freshman year. Try very hard to do better this year and let your behavior speak for itself. Your mother doesn’t trust you and is not ready to give up her anger. Do your best to prove her wrong but don’t expect that she will compliment you easily or quickly. It may take a while to gain her acceptance. On the other hand, she may have difficulty being positive and validating. This may not be her strength.

I am very concerned that you feel unloved and that you are getting depressed. I am sure that there are other individuals in your life who can give you support. Please talk to your school psychologist and maybe even speak to your mother about seeing a therapist so that you can deal with your depression and frustration. You need a safe place where you can talk about yourself and not get yelled at or judged. I wish you luck and courage. Please get back to me.